My Adoptive Mothers Side of the Story

My Adoption Story
From an Adoptive Parent

As an adoptive parent, I can honestly say my experience was more remarkable than I would have ever imagined. I saw and felt love in a way I had never experienced or knew existed before. The birthmother and grandmother were two of the most amazing people I had ever met and the bond we shared was priceless. I think my husband and I are the luckiest adoptive parents for having the experience we had

Before I go on about my adoption experience, let me back up to my younger years. As a teenager, and even as a younger child, I consistently had a feeling I would never experience pregnancy. After a while, the feeling wasn’t foreign or strange to me… it became more of a matter of fact. Looking back now, I am grateful that possibility seemed so natural to me because it helped me cope when later in life that idea would become a reality. But it doesn’t mean at the time I didn’t question why I had this feeling. Would I never have kids? Would I not want to have kids? Would I die before I had the experience to be a mother? Then I started to have feelings about all those questions. I definitely could see myself raising a child (even if I did not give birth to a child). I knew nothing would prevent me from wanting kids. And the death thing… that was just my overactive imagination. But early on, I think my heart knew adoption would be a part of my life at some point.

When I was dating my (now) husband, I wasn’t too surprised when the subject of kids came up and he mentioned he had always had a feeling he would adopt kids one day. Again- discussing this possibility early on in our relationship made it much easier to adjust to the idea of not having children of our own when we were faced with the reality later in our lives together.

Starting a Family:
My final year of college, (and 3 years of marriage) we began to consider if we were ready to expand our family. I think we were both nervous about the timing and if we were ready to take on such a huge responsibility. So we decided to start with the next best thing: a dog! As silly as it sounds though, it was good practice. We learned very quickly what it meant to have another being rely on us to take care of her. We learned it was hard work to “potty train” and discipline a little creature with her own mind and agenda. We even had a sense of maternal and paternal feelings towards this doggie. We also knew we needed a little more time to take on the “real deal” so we waited another year before trying to get pregnant. We tried for about a year and when nothing was happening, we tried fertility drugs for about 6 months. Still nothing. At this point we saw a specialist and had some tests run. We then learned what our options were: In Vitro Fertilization, or Adoption. With In Vitro, we weren’t given great odds of it taking. We only even considered it for the literal space of the walk from the specialist’s office to our car. Once we knew the “old-fashioned” way wasn’t going to be our baby’s journey to us, we moved forward with the adoption process and didn’t look back.

Now I know a lot of adoptive parents experience total devastation when they learn bearing their own children isn’t a possibility. Part of that, could be because those parents may have endured many close calls and miscarriages, while we never did. I won’t say we weren’t a little disappointed at not being able to experience a pregnancy, but we knew at that point that all those feelings we had growing up were foreshadowing and preparing us for what we were now experiencing in this new chapter in our lives. As scary and hard as the unknown seemed, we were ready to begin this new adventure. In a way it was a relief to put all the fertility pills, ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, and doctor visits to the side and focus on what we knew in our hearts all along would really be our experience starting a family: adoption.

Starting the Adoption Process:
We began by choosing an adoption agency. We decided to go through LDS Family Services because we liked how there would be counseling for the birthmother and that there would be no pressure in going through with adoption if the birthmother did not feel it was right. We also liked that we would be counseled and prepared through adoption and parenting classes. We also felt like being involved with an agency that was organized by our church was a good choice for us.

The next step was to apply for adoption and have one-on-one visits with the social workers. We then had home visits with the social workers and slowly began the paperwork (which was pretty overwhelming- more on that later). We also had 6 classes to educate us about adoption. We learned about the process we would go through, and were counseled on interacting with birthmothers (what is and isn’t appropriate to do and say, etc). One of the last classes was a panel of birthmothers who told about their experience. To hear firsthand from these amazing girls was very moving and I felt so humbled afterwards. I had a whole new perspective that both saddened me and brought me hope. I was sad to think that someone would have to endure the ultimate sacrifice and go through a very trying time in the process. I was filled with hope knowing that the tough experience and decision could bring happy new beginnings to many, including the birthmother.

Once our classes were done we got more serious about the paperwork. Ohhhh the paperwork! I remember thinking how draining it was. It was soul searching at times to answer those questions! It seemed to me that not only adoptive parents should have to answer these questions, but anyone wanting to be a parent should! It took us a long time to finish it all because we had to space it out to keep it sincere and genuine. We definitely took this seriously and didn’t want to provide generic answers just to pound through it and get it done faster. We had background checks and physicals to make sure we were law-abiding, stable, and healthy people. We also put together a profile which included some pictures that portrayed who we were and what we liked to do and the basics about us. The very last thing we did was a letter from each of us to any potential birthmother. We procrastinated this thinking it would be hardest part of all the paperwork. Since it was letter speaking directly to a potential birthmother considering us to care for her child- we really wanted to come across as sincere and… well… likeable. There are a lot of couples out there wanting to adopt- which is a little intimidating when you think about your odds of being selected against a lot of amazing couples. We knew this letter was our first impression, and we wanted to make it right and be true to who we were. Well… luckily it wasn’t as hard as we thought it would be. What helped was thinking about that panel of birthmothers we had listened to just months before, and our feelings afterwards. We already had so much love for the birthmother we knew was out there somewhere. So with those feelings, we simply explained a little bit about each other and expressed our love and respect towards the birthmother who might consider us to raise her child.

When we submitted our paperwork, reality sank in a little deeper. One of the hard parts about adoption is there is no guaranteed timeline… no gestation period. We had learned that the average waiting time was around a year so we knew it was a waiting game at this point. But we also knew we could get a call at any moment and we’d have to be ready to bring a child to our home. We had done all we could, and now we left it up to our Heavenly Father and what He knew was right for us. To be on the safe side, we started preparing our home and making small purchases here and there. We definitely didn’t want to jinx ourselves by preparing a nursery and buying a lot of baby items. We had already won a stroller and baby carrier (at one of our adoption classes) and that was weird enough to look at. We had to store it away in our basement so it wouldn’t be a constant reminder of what we waiting for. But we did purchase items like stuffed animals and outlet covers. Mostly we just made room for a little one and held our breath.

We kept in touch with our social worker at LDS Family Services. We had one birthmother show some interest in us, which we wouldn’t have normally known about except for she had asked to meet with a few potential adoptive parents in addition to just looking at their profiles. We said we were willing to do that, but then nothing ever came of it. Our case worker explained that the request was pretty rare and that under normal circumstances we would only meet with a birthmother if the decision had already been made. That was our first taste of the “rollercoaster ride” of the adoption process. We quickly learned not to get our hopes up too high and to just roll with the punches. We constantly had the outlook of “if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” We learned later on (after we had been selected) that we had also been on a “soft” hold at one point. This is when you, along with another adoptive couple, are being strongly considered by a birthmother. In that case- it too wasn’t meant to be. But after four short months of being on the waiting list, we received some good news.

Getting Selected by a Birthmother:
I was at work, when my husband called me. He said he had our case worker on the phone with him. She said she needed my fax number and that she had an urgent document she needed to send to both of us. I figured there had been a snag in our paperwork and we had to urgently fill out or sign something. She said she would wait on the phone while I got the fax. I quickly went to the fax machine and waited for the document to come through. I was a little confused- or shocked- to see a picture of stork with a note saying something like “Congratulations, you have been chosen to be the proud parents of ….” I ran back to the phone and asked if there was a mistake -- this wasn’t a document. Our case worker patiently explained that it wasn’t a mistake and that we had been selected by a birthmother. I was in total shock… completely speechless, and had a variety of emotions run through me in that moment.

Our case worker gave us a little information about the birthmother. Her name was Lauren. We learned she was only 8 weeks pregnant. Since it was pretty rare for birthmothers to select an adoptive couple this early in a pregnancy, she gently recommended that we wait a few weeks to tell our friends and family since chances of a miscarriage were still pretty high. We were okay with waiting for a couple weeks because the timing of all this just happened to be around Christmas. We were excited to share the news with our families on Christmas, which of course went over very well (even though it was very hard to keep the secret for 2 weeks)! We were also gently warned of the possibility the birthmother could change her mind considering how much time was left in the pregnancy. We took that with a grain of salt. We wanted to be excited about the news, but we also didn’t want to get overly confident that things were set in stone.

We wrote a letter to Lauren about our feelings of having heard the news. We expressed our love for her and how humbled we felt. From this point on, we exchanged letters and about a month later decided on a date to meet. This was the part of the process I feared the most. I was so worried about what she would think of me after seeing and talking with me. My husband felt the same way. I would have been okay if she had changed her mind in the process, but not if it was after having met us. I didn’t want to be the reason for a change in her heart. But as much as I was scared to meet Lauren, I was equally as excited. There’s only so much you can say in a letter how thankful you are… I wanted her to see it in my eyes. I hope she was able to… I may have still been too nervous in that first visit!

The First Visit:
The day of the visit came. My husband and I drove about 4 hours to the city where Lauren lived. We were by ourselves, meaning we didn’t have our case worker with us (which isn’t always the case). We arrived at the agency where we met Lauren’s case worker. He could see how nervous we were and told us he was going to take us back to another room to wait. At least that is what I thought he said. Really he led us back to the room where Lauren and her mom, Danelle, were already waiting. No more waiting- the moment had arrived! One instant I was a bundle of nerves, and the next minute- all the nerves seemed to melt away. Once seeing her and her mom and the warmth in their eyes and smiles, I was able to relax. As odd as it sounds, for having just met someone I felt like I was meeting with long-time friends or family. I was pretty surprised by this and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that Lauren looks like she could be my sister! But more than her looks, there was a definite feeling of familiarity with her and her mom. Looking back at how everything turned out, I am not surprised anymore at having had those feelings.

We visited for about 3 hours with the case worker in the room to keep things going if needed. But we never had a lull in conversation. Three hours went by so fast. We didn’t come prepared with any questions, more to answer any questions she might have for us. She on the other hand, came with a list. At first this intimidated me, but when she explained how nervous she was to meet us, I related at once and was at ease again. She was worried she would forget to say or ask certain things, so she came prepared. It was very cute and showed how much she cared for the child she was carrying. When our first visit came to an end, I think we all felt like we had established a special bond. My husband and I couldn’t believe how well things were going.

The Pregnancy:
The rest of the pregnancy, we continued to exchange letters. We had one other visit, too- which went just as well as the first (minus the initial nerves). We learned more about each other and Lauren kept us informed about how she was feeling and how the pregnancy and doctor’s visits were going. Eventually we learned the sex of the baby (a girl) which I knew already, anyway! Whenever we learned that a letter had come, it made our day. I couldn’t wait to hear the next bit of news. We grew more and more excited about becoming parents, but we really tried to keep our focus on Lauren. We genuinely had such a love, affection, and respect for this young woman. I get emotional to this day thinking about her! We had learned from our classes and had been counseled on many occasions not to assume things would go as planned- basically not to get our hopes too high. There was always a chance Lauren could change her mind. We did understand this, but honestly we were at peace with that possibility. We focused on Lauren’s feelings and wellbeing before ours, and only wanted this to work out if it was what was best for her.

Throughout the pregnancy, we started reading books about child development and pregnancy so we could relate a little better to what Lauren was experiencing. We definitely gained a greater appreciation for what a miracle birth actually is! With that knowledge, though, I also started to experience a lot of guilt. Every time I would learn about the discomfort or pain that I wasn’t experiencing- I felt like I was getting off way too easy. I wished I could bear some of the burden of what it must have felt like to carry a child- the morning sickness, the doctor visits, the actual (inevitable) labor and delivery. Even now, having a conversation with anyone who has experienced pregnancy and childbirth- I feel like I cheated my way through that part of earning a spot in the motherhood club.

As the months went by, I also gained a more raw understanding of the enormity of the situation. For us- we didn’t (and still don’t) take for granted the enormous gift that was bestowed upon us. But even more enormous was the reality of what Lauren was going through. The physical discomforts she experienced were going to be nothing in comparison to the emotional pain of parting with a child. Again, I had a sense of guilt for not being able to bear or endure that pain for her. As our love for her grew each day, it was hard not to feel apprehension for what was in store for her. Overall- I felt helpless and that was hard for me to deal with. We had a lot of empathy for her, and truly cared so much for her and her long road ahead.

Aside from the emotional struggles and realities of the situation, we knew we had to start thinking like parents. We did allow ourselves to enjoy the prospect of welcoming a child into our home. Still considering there was always a possibility things could change, deep down we knew this was meant to be. So we started to prepare ourselves. We painted the nursery, purchased the necessary furniture, contemplated over crib bedding—all the fun stuff of becoming first-time parents. We had one (pre-birth) shower where the soon-to-be baby girl was spoiled tremendously. As we anticipated the due date, we were more and more excited, jumpy, nervous, anxious, restless, happy, and humbled (to name just a few of our emotions). We were a little scared of the unknown… not quite knowing what to expect and what kinds of emotions we would face. The only thing we could do was wait and see.

The Big Day:
During our second visit, Lauren informed us that if it was possible, she wanted us to be there the day of the birth. We had never expected this, and were pretty surprised at the generous offer. We gladly accepted and eagerly awaited the day we would get “the call.” That day finally arrived on a beautiful summer morning. We quickly gathered our things and made all the necessary arrangements to be on our way. We didn’t know if we would get there in time, because we had a 5 hour drive ahead of us (which turned into 4). But… as it would happen, the labor was a long one and we got there in plenty of time.

It also turned out that we were able to be in the actual delivery room with Lauren and Danelle. We learned quickly how to be delivery coaches. Every time it was time to push, we were all there cheering her on. Well- I would just hold my breath… literally. The nurse even got a kick out of it. She said I looked like I was pushing too. Mentally- I think I was (couldn’t get away from wanting to bear some of the burden)! This went on for a few hours, and things became dangerous when the baby relieved her meconium (a.k.a. “baby’s first poopy”) in the birth canal. She had had a long day, and was probably in distress when that happened.

The nurses quickly explained the danger, and before we knew it the doctor was in the room encouraging a Cesarean section. I recoiled at the thought, for fear of more pain for this sweet mother (plus she’d already put so much labor in the labor!). But without hesitation, she responded to the doctor, “Let’s do it!” Danelle looked at her with what could only be described as genuine motherly worry, and I’ll never forget Lauren’s convincing words, “I’m not afraid, mom.” While we all seemed hesitant for her, she had the most clarity and sense of what needed to happen. She really did have no fear. Not only that, but she had no complaints. It was amazing to witness that moment and see the look in her eyes. Despite all her hard work, and how exhausted she must have felt at that point, she was laser-focused and determined to deliver a healthy baby. She made that point several times throughout her pregnancy- that she wanted to give us the healthiest baby she could. She meant it, and stuck to that conviction wholeheartedly.

She was able to bring two people with her to the operating room, and again- to my surprise she asked that I join her and her mom. I was nervous to go, but her strength gave me strength. I wanted to be there for her, and stay as brave as she was being. I worried on more than one occasion that I was going to faint, but I would just redirect my attention to her and ignore my light head (I can get “squeamish” over a paper cut- so being in an operating room was pretty scary for me)! Everything happened so quickly—we were thrown some stylish (marshmallow-resembling) disposable scrubs to put on - then we were taken back to the operating room with Lauren where we comforted and encouraged her and what seemed like seconds later we heard a baby’s sweet cry. Then I was whisked over to see the baby and take some pictures, then the nurses carried the swaddled baby to introduce her to Lauren who was softly crying and whispering her “hellos” and “I love yous.” It was such a tender moment – so special I felt like an intruder getting to witness it. That was the kind of love I had only ever witnessed in the movies or read in books. To see it in real life happening before me was amazing. The beautiful and heartwarming moment ended too quickly when we were all rushed out of the room so the doctors could finish up their post-Caesarean work. It was organized chaos and a big blur to me. In that blur, though, one thing is for sure- all my adoration for Lauren easily tripled.

Meeting Afton:
Danelle and I followed the nurses back to the nursery where they explained we could give the baby her first bath. I didn’t know where my husband was, so Danelle and I had a few moments alone with the baby. Lauren had informed us early on she wanted us to pick the name for the baby. We had some names in mind, and were pretty set on “Afton Mikell” for a girl. When I took a long good look at her, I knew she was an Afton so I was glad our first choice matched this perfect little being! She was very alert and had a round little head with a head full of fuzz! Not a lot of hair at first. Right away I noticed how beautiful her eyes were and how much expression they had. I wanted to just look at her all day she was so beautiful!

With how quickly everything happened in the operating room, I wanted to make sure that Lauren’s mom was able to hold Afton before I did. I wouldn’t have felt right to have that privilege, and since it couldn’t be Lauren holding her (for longer than she did anyway), I wanted it to be her birth grandmother. Again I felt like an intruder to witness another solemn and special moment. Danelle rocked and cradled her first grandchild, and looked at her so adoringly. It was a sacrifice for her, too- and I could feel how great her love was in that moment.

My husband found us and Danelle excused herself so we could give Afton her first bath together. I was constantly amazed at how generous and gracious these people were! Here they could have had all these moments to themselves, and they were so willing to share with us. It was such an honor- all of it. After we bathed Afton, I was able to officially hold and rock Afton for the first time. There was a lot of unexplainable emotion running through me. I know I recognized a whole lot of love, mixed with a ton of humility and happiness. But there was even more than that. Watching her take in her new world, feeling her weight in my arms, hearing her breathe- seeing this miracle before me and not understanding how I was worthy enough to get to be a part of it. I guess “gratitude” could be used to explain that feeling – but if feels like such an understatement. I knew she was a gift- not only from God, but from the sweet birthmother who had endured so much to bring her here. I also knew I wouldn’t get to have many (if any more) moments like this in my life and I tried to soak it in.

But my mind immediately began to have a tug-of-war. It didn’t feel right to bask in all those new parent feelings of elation —especially since we weren’t technically the parents yet. I knew in due time our focus could be 100% on Afton, and for now most of our focus and attention needed to be on Lauren. Her wellbeing and feelings were still our top priority. I began to feel apprehensive and self-conscious at the thought of Lauren feeling like we’d abandoned her or that we were monopolizing all the time with Afton. The thought also occurred to me that I didn’t want her to think we didn’t want to spend time with Afton. So there was that balance too- of portraying our excitement – but not too much to where it would be insensitive. All in all, we were really there to support Lauren and her family, and wanted for them to have all the time they needed with Afton without us interfering. So, with the shared mixture of all these feelings, insecurities, and concerns we tried to handle and act upon them with care throughout our stay.

Saying Goodbye:
Over the next couple days, we had the privilege of spending more time with Lauren, her family, and the baby at the hospital. This was a special time, and we all realized that the Caesarean was a blessing in disguise because although it meant for a longer hospital stay for Lauren, we were able to spend more time with one another. We had all become so close – it really felt like being with family. We spent a lot of time at the hospital, and we also gave Lauren and her family some time alone. There were some very casual moments- hanging out, and shooting the breeze, cracking jokes. Then there were a few moments where we could feel the heaviness in the air. I think we were all trying to keep brave faces on for each other’s sakes, but the time to say goodbye was looming.

The idea of saying goodbye was hard for many reasons. We were sad to say goodbye to what seemed like family. Lauren had truly become like a little sister to us. And for that reason, we knew it was going to be very hard to see someone we loved so much have to say her goodbyes. It’s hard to write down because the emotions we felt seem like nothing compared to what a birthmother’s experience is… but it was very tough on us to anticipate it and then finally witness it. I had no idea when we began the process I would grow to love the birthmother so much and have the feelings I had. I am so glad I did, but it was definitely heart-wrenching to say goodbye. I can’t think of a harder thing I have ever done.

When we last met, it was at the LDS Family Services agency. Lauren had already signed her papers at the hospital relinquishing her parental rights and when she arrived you could see she was in a lot of emotional pain (and I am sure physical pain, too). She was being buoyed up by her sweet mother and her loving boyfriend (whom she later married). We visited for a while, took a lot of pictures, and exchanged gifts. One gift we gave Lauren was a teddy bear that matched a teddy bear we had picked out for Afton. I don’t think it is a coincidence that “Mr. Bear” is Afton’s most treasured possession to this day.

I am not even sure how much time went by, but when Laruen felt like she was ready she held and rocked Afton for a final time before passing her over to me. I wish I could remember everything that was said at that time to record it here better, but honestly all I remember was a burning feeling in my chest and the sense that something bigger than just a small child was passed to me. She was passing us all her trust, all her love, and all her hopes for that child. By accepting it, we had a great responsibility to make sure we continually earned and deserved those enormous gifts. Perhaps this is a perfectly normal feeling for parents to have when Heavenly Father blesses them with a child. For us and our experience- we were blessed to have Heavenly Father convey that message a little more personally through a beautiful young woman, an angel here on earth. For that I am very grateful.

Final thoughts
As I mentioned at the beginning of my story, our adoption story was pretty remarkable. In fact, after we said our goodbyes we were left at the agency with Lauren’s case worker. For a minute we all sat in silence and then I asked him if all adoptions were this special. He said, “I’ve seen some pretty amazing adoptions, but it’s very rare for them to be this special.”

For that reason, I consider us to be very lucky adoptive parents. I definitely don’t expect to have another adoption experience go this well or seamlessly again. I have heard of a lot of adoption stories with rocky paths – some that ended happily and some that didn’t. I am very fortunate to say our adoption story wasn’t rocky and that it did end happily. If we ever have the privilege to adopt again, I would only expect to experience the amazing and extreme emotions all over again. They are part of the beauty and the hardship of adoption (I like to think experiencing them was my own rite of passage to parenthood). The other undeniable beauty and hardship of adoption is pure love. I am reminded of it every day when I look into Afton’s beautiful eyes and know she is here because of the loving gift of adoption.