How I cope with the decision I have made

I have a lot of people ask me how I can handle not being able to see my daughter everyday. My answer is easy. One... I am not her mommy. I wanted to give her what I did not have. Therefore she is someone elses daughter. She will always be my biological daughter and I will always love her the way I love a daughter, but if I keep in the mindset that she belongs to another family, it is easier to continue not seeing her everyday. Two... I gave her to the most amazing parents. I never have to wonder if she is doing alright or if she is in good hands. I already have the answer! I am so grateful to have that feeling. And last.... When I decided to place her I started this little binder. I took Travis and Jessica's profile (the one you get when you are still deciding) and I took it apart and put into a binder. Then I saved everything that I recieved from them. Every letter, card, present, etc. I also kept a copy of the items I gave to them. I started with just one little 3 ring binder. After Afton was born I quickly had to replace it with a much bigger one!!! Travis and Jessica showered me with pictures of her and I saved every one of them!

Probably the most rewarding present of all was the little scrapbook I got from Travis and Jessica on Afton's first birthday! They took a picture of each member of their family and had that member write a little something to me. This really showed me that more than just Trav, Jess and myself were effected by this decision. To hear the love that these people have for my little girl helps me know that I made the right decision.

This is the scrapbook I made of all of the pictures that Travis and Jessica sent me.

As you can see... it is quite thick!!!

It started out with with just her first year.... but it has grown to her whole life... I need to change the title!

This is the scrapbook I got from Trav and Jess on her first birthday!

It was the best present I have ever received from them!

Each family member wrote a little something to me. Each time I feel a little down or I am just starting to miss Afton, I read these and I remember why I did this! I can just feel the love pouring off these pages each time I read them!

There are times that it becomes very hard for me to actually put my head around the fact that I gave a baby up for adoption. But, when you think about what a miracle it is for another persons family, all of those doubts or sadness goes away. I know that she is my saving grace, and it is nice to know that she is someone elses too!

My Adoptive Mothers Side of the Story

My Adoption Story
From an Adoptive Parent

As an adoptive parent, I can honestly say my experience was more remarkable than I would have ever imagined. I saw and felt love in a way I had never experienced or knew existed before. The birthmother and grandmother were two of the most amazing people I had ever met and the bond we shared was priceless. I think my husband and I are the luckiest adoptive parents for having the experience we had

Before I go on about my adoption experience, let me back up to my younger years. As a teenager, and even as a younger child, I consistently had a feeling I would never experience pregnancy. After a while, the feeling wasn’t foreign or strange to me… it became more of a matter of fact. Looking back now, I am grateful that possibility seemed so natural to me because it helped me cope when later in life that idea would become a reality. But it doesn’t mean at the time I didn’t question why I had this feeling. Would I never have kids? Would I not want to have kids? Would I die before I had the experience to be a mother? Then I started to have feelings about all those questions. I definitely could see myself raising a child (even if I did not give birth to a child). I knew nothing would prevent me from wanting kids. And the death thing… that was just my overactive imagination. But early on, I think my heart knew adoption would be a part of my life at some point.

When I was dating my (now) husband, I wasn’t too surprised when the subject of kids came up and he mentioned he had always had a feeling he would adopt kids one day. Again- discussing this possibility early on in our relationship made it much easier to adjust to the idea of not having children of our own when we were faced with the reality later in our lives together.

Starting a Family:
My final year of college, (and 3 years of marriage) we began to consider if we were ready to expand our family. I think we were both nervous about the timing and if we were ready to take on such a huge responsibility. So we decided to start with the next best thing: a dog! As silly as it sounds though, it was good practice. We learned very quickly what it meant to have another being rely on us to take care of her. We learned it was hard work to “potty train” and discipline a little creature with her own mind and agenda. We even had a sense of maternal and paternal feelings towards this doggie. We also knew we needed a little more time to take on the “real deal” so we waited another year before trying to get pregnant. We tried for about a year and when nothing was happening, we tried fertility drugs for about 6 months. Still nothing. At this point we saw a specialist and had some tests run. We then learned what our options were: In Vitro Fertilization, or Adoption. With In Vitro, we weren’t given great odds of it taking. We only even considered it for the literal space of the walk from the specialist’s office to our car. Once we knew the “old-fashioned” way wasn’t going to be our baby’s journey to us, we moved forward with the adoption process and didn’t look back.

Now I know a lot of adoptive parents experience total devastation when they learn bearing their own children isn’t a possibility. Part of that, could be because those parents may have endured many close calls and miscarriages, while we never did. I won’t say we weren’t a little disappointed at not being able to experience a pregnancy, but we knew at that point that all those feelings we had growing up were foreshadowing and preparing us for what we were now experiencing in this new chapter in our lives. As scary and hard as the unknown seemed, we were ready to begin this new adventure. In a way it was a relief to put all the fertility pills, ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, and doctor visits to the side and focus on what we knew in our hearts all along would really be our experience starting a family: adoption.

Starting the Adoption Process:
We began by choosing an adoption agency. We decided to go through LDS Family Services because we liked how there would be counseling for the birthmother and that there would be no pressure in going through with adoption if the birthmother did not feel it was right. We also liked that we would be counseled and prepared through adoption and parenting classes. We also felt like being involved with an agency that was organized by our church was a good choice for us.

The next step was to apply for adoption and have one-on-one visits with the social workers. We then had home visits with the social workers and slowly began the paperwork (which was pretty overwhelming- more on that later). We also had 6 classes to educate us about adoption. We learned about the process we would go through, and were counseled on interacting with birthmothers (what is and isn’t appropriate to do and say, etc). One of the last classes was a panel of birthmothers who told about their experience. To hear firsthand from these amazing girls was very moving and I felt so humbled afterwards. I had a whole new perspective that both saddened me and brought me hope. I was sad to think that someone would have to endure the ultimate sacrifice and go through a very trying time in the process. I was filled with hope knowing that the tough experience and decision could bring happy new beginnings to many, including the birthmother.

Once our classes were done we got more serious about the paperwork. Ohhhh the paperwork! I remember thinking how draining it was. It was soul searching at times to answer those questions! It seemed to me that not only adoptive parents should have to answer these questions, but anyone wanting to be a parent should! It took us a long time to finish it all because we had to space it out to keep it sincere and genuine. We definitely took this seriously and didn’t want to provide generic answers just to pound through it and get it done faster. We had background checks and physicals to make sure we were law-abiding, stable, and healthy people. We also put together a profile which included some pictures that portrayed who we were and what we liked to do and the basics about us. The very last thing we did was a letter from each of us to any potential birthmother. We procrastinated this thinking it would be hardest part of all the paperwork. Since it was letter speaking directly to a potential birthmother considering us to care for her child- we really wanted to come across as sincere and… well… likeable. There are a lot of couples out there wanting to adopt- which is a little intimidating when you think about your odds of being selected against a lot of amazing couples. We knew this letter was our first impression, and we wanted to make it right and be true to who we were. Well… luckily it wasn’t as hard as we thought it would be. What helped was thinking about that panel of birthmothers we had listened to just months before, and our feelings afterwards. We already had so much love for the birthmother we knew was out there somewhere. So with those feelings, we simply explained a little bit about each other and expressed our love and respect towards the birthmother who might consider us to raise her child.

When we submitted our paperwork, reality sank in a little deeper. One of the hard parts about adoption is there is no guaranteed timeline… no gestation period. We had learned that the average waiting time was around a year so we knew it was a waiting game at this point. But we also knew we could get a call at any moment and we’d have to be ready to bring a child to our home. We had done all we could, and now we left it up to our Heavenly Father and what He knew was right for us. To be on the safe side, we started preparing our home and making small purchases here and there. We definitely didn’t want to jinx ourselves by preparing a nursery and buying a lot of baby items. We had already won a stroller and baby carrier (at one of our adoption classes) and that was weird enough to look at. We had to store it away in our basement so it wouldn’t be a constant reminder of what we waiting for. But we did purchase items like stuffed animals and outlet covers. Mostly we just made room for a little one and held our breath.

We kept in touch with our social worker at LDS Family Services. We had one birthmother show some interest in us, which we wouldn’t have normally known about except for she had asked to meet with a few potential adoptive parents in addition to just looking at their profiles. We said we were willing to do that, but then nothing ever came of it. Our case worker explained that the request was pretty rare and that under normal circumstances we would only meet with a birthmother if the decision had already been made. That was our first taste of the “rollercoaster ride” of the adoption process. We quickly learned not to get our hopes up too high and to just roll with the punches. We constantly had the outlook of “if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” We learned later on (after we had been selected) that we had also been on a “soft” hold at one point. This is when you, along with another adoptive couple, are being strongly considered by a birthmother. In that case- it too wasn’t meant to be. But after four short months of being on the waiting list, we received some good news.

Getting Selected by a Birthmother:
I was at work, when my husband called me. He said he had our case worker on the phone with him. She said she needed my fax number and that she had an urgent document she needed to send to both of us. I figured there had been a snag in our paperwork and we had to urgently fill out or sign something. She said she would wait on the phone while I got the fax. I quickly went to the fax machine and waited for the document to come through. I was a little confused- or shocked- to see a picture of stork with a note saying something like “Congratulations, you have been chosen to be the proud parents of ….” I ran back to the phone and asked if there was a mistake -- this wasn’t a document. Our case worker patiently explained that it wasn’t a mistake and that we had been selected by a birthmother. I was in total shock… completely speechless, and had a variety of emotions run through me in that moment.

Our case worker gave us a little information about the birthmother. Her name was Lauren. We learned she was only 8 weeks pregnant. Since it was pretty rare for birthmothers to select an adoptive couple this early in a pregnancy, she gently recommended that we wait a few weeks to tell our friends and family since chances of a miscarriage were still pretty high. We were okay with waiting for a couple weeks because the timing of all this just happened to be around Christmas. We were excited to share the news with our families on Christmas, which of course went over very well (even though it was very hard to keep the secret for 2 weeks)! We were also gently warned of the possibility the birthmother could change her mind considering how much time was left in the pregnancy. We took that with a grain of salt. We wanted to be excited about the news, but we also didn’t want to get overly confident that things were set in stone.

We wrote a letter to Lauren about our feelings of having heard the news. We expressed our love for her and how humbled we felt. From this point on, we exchanged letters and about a month later decided on a date to meet. This was the part of the process I feared the most. I was so worried about what she would think of me after seeing and talking with me. My husband felt the same way. I would have been okay if she had changed her mind in the process, but not if it was after having met us. I didn’t want to be the reason for a change in her heart. But as much as I was scared to meet Lauren, I was equally as excited. There’s only so much you can say in a letter how thankful you are… I wanted her to see it in my eyes. I hope she was able to… I may have still been too nervous in that first visit!

The First Visit:
The day of the visit came. My husband and I drove about 4 hours to the city where Lauren lived. We were by ourselves, meaning we didn’t have our case worker with us (which isn’t always the case). We arrived at the agency where we met Lauren’s case worker. He could see how nervous we were and told us he was going to take us back to another room to wait. At least that is what I thought he said. Really he led us back to the room where Lauren and her mom, Danelle, were already waiting. No more waiting- the moment had arrived! One instant I was a bundle of nerves, and the next minute- all the nerves seemed to melt away. Once seeing her and her mom and the warmth in their eyes and smiles, I was able to relax. As odd as it sounds, for having just met someone I felt like I was meeting with long-time friends or family. I was pretty surprised by this and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that Lauren looks like she could be my sister! But more than her looks, there was a definite feeling of familiarity with her and her mom. Looking back at how everything turned out, I am not surprised anymore at having had those feelings.

We visited for about 3 hours with the case worker in the room to keep things going if needed. But we never had a lull in conversation. Three hours went by so fast. We didn’t come prepared with any questions, more to answer any questions she might have for us. She on the other hand, came with a list. At first this intimidated me, but when she explained how nervous she was to meet us, I related at once and was at ease again. She was worried she would forget to say or ask certain things, so she came prepared. It was very cute and showed how much she cared for the child she was carrying. When our first visit came to an end, I think we all felt like we had established a special bond. My husband and I couldn’t believe how well things were going.

The Pregnancy:
The rest of the pregnancy, we continued to exchange letters. We had one other visit, too- which went just as well as the first (minus the initial nerves). We learned more about each other and Lauren kept us informed about how she was feeling and how the pregnancy and doctor’s visits were going. Eventually we learned the sex of the baby (a girl) which I knew already, anyway! Whenever we learned that a letter had come, it made our day. I couldn’t wait to hear the next bit of news. We grew more and more excited about becoming parents, but we really tried to keep our focus on Lauren. We genuinely had such a love, affection, and respect for this young woman. I get emotional to this day thinking about her! We had learned from our classes and had been counseled on many occasions not to assume things would go as planned- basically not to get our hopes too high. There was always a chance Lauren could change her mind. We did understand this, but honestly we were at peace with that possibility. We focused on Lauren’s feelings and wellbeing before ours, and only wanted this to work out if it was what was best for her.

Throughout the pregnancy, we started reading books about child development and pregnancy so we could relate a little better to what Lauren was experiencing. We definitely gained a greater appreciation for what a miracle birth actually is! With that knowledge, though, I also started to experience a lot of guilt. Every time I would learn about the discomfort or pain that I wasn’t experiencing- I felt like I was getting off way too easy. I wished I could bear some of the burden of what it must have felt like to carry a child- the morning sickness, the doctor visits, the actual (inevitable) labor and delivery. Even now, having a conversation with anyone who has experienced pregnancy and childbirth- I feel like I cheated my way through that part of earning a spot in the motherhood club.

As the months went by, I also gained a more raw understanding of the enormity of the situation. For us- we didn’t (and still don’t) take for granted the enormous gift that was bestowed upon us. But even more enormous was the reality of what Lauren was going through. The physical discomforts she experienced were going to be nothing in comparison to the emotional pain of parting with a child. Again, I had a sense of guilt for not being able to bear or endure that pain for her. As our love for her grew each day, it was hard not to feel apprehension for what was in store for her. Overall- I felt helpless and that was hard for me to deal with. We had a lot of empathy for her, and truly cared so much for her and her long road ahead.

Aside from the emotional struggles and realities of the situation, we knew we had to start thinking like parents. We did allow ourselves to enjoy the prospect of welcoming a child into our home. Still considering there was always a possibility things could change, deep down we knew this was meant to be. So we started to prepare ourselves. We painted the nursery, purchased the necessary furniture, contemplated over crib bedding—all the fun stuff of becoming first-time parents. We had one (pre-birth) shower where the soon-to-be baby girl was spoiled tremendously. As we anticipated the due date, we were more and more excited, jumpy, nervous, anxious, restless, happy, and humbled (to name just a few of our emotions). We were a little scared of the unknown… not quite knowing what to expect and what kinds of emotions we would face. The only thing we could do was wait and see.

The Big Day:
During our second visit, Lauren informed us that if it was possible, she wanted us to be there the day of the birth. We had never expected this, and were pretty surprised at the generous offer. We gladly accepted and eagerly awaited the day we would get “the call.” That day finally arrived on a beautiful summer morning. We quickly gathered our things and made all the necessary arrangements to be on our way. We didn’t know if we would get there in time, because we had a 5 hour drive ahead of us (which turned into 4). But… as it would happen, the labor was a long one and we got there in plenty of time.

It also turned out that we were able to be in the actual delivery room with Lauren and Danelle. We learned quickly how to be delivery coaches. Every time it was time to push, we were all there cheering her on. Well- I would just hold my breath… literally. The nurse even got a kick out of it. She said I looked like I was pushing too. Mentally- I think I was (couldn’t get away from wanting to bear some of the burden)! This went on for a few hours, and things became dangerous when the baby relieved her meconium (a.k.a. “baby’s first poopy”) in the birth canal. She had had a long day, and was probably in distress when that happened.

The nurses quickly explained the danger, and before we knew it the doctor was in the room encouraging a Cesarean section. I recoiled at the thought, for fear of more pain for this sweet mother (plus she’d already put so much labor in the labor!). But without hesitation, she responded to the doctor, “Let’s do it!” Danelle looked at her with what could only be described as genuine motherly worry, and I’ll never forget Lauren’s convincing words, “I’m not afraid, mom.” While we all seemed hesitant for her, she had the most clarity and sense of what needed to happen. She really did have no fear. Not only that, but she had no complaints. It was amazing to witness that moment and see the look in her eyes. Despite all her hard work, and how exhausted she must have felt at that point, she was laser-focused and determined to deliver a healthy baby. She made that point several times throughout her pregnancy- that she wanted to give us the healthiest baby she could. She meant it, and stuck to that conviction wholeheartedly.

She was able to bring two people with her to the operating room, and again- to my surprise she asked that I join her and her mom. I was nervous to go, but her strength gave me strength. I wanted to be there for her, and stay as brave as she was being. I worried on more than one occasion that I was going to faint, but I would just redirect my attention to her and ignore my light head (I can get “squeamish” over a paper cut- so being in an operating room was pretty scary for me)! Everything happened so quickly—we were thrown some stylish (marshmallow-resembling) disposable scrubs to put on - then we were taken back to the operating room with Lauren where we comforted and encouraged her and what seemed like seconds later we heard a baby’s sweet cry. Then I was whisked over to see the baby and take some pictures, then the nurses carried the swaddled baby to introduce her to Lauren who was softly crying and whispering her “hellos” and “I love yous.” It was such a tender moment – so special I felt like an intruder getting to witness it. That was the kind of love I had only ever witnessed in the movies or read in books. To see it in real life happening before me was amazing. The beautiful and heartwarming moment ended too quickly when we were all rushed out of the room so the doctors could finish up their post-Caesarean work. It was organized chaos and a big blur to me. In that blur, though, one thing is for sure- all my adoration for Lauren easily tripled.

Meeting Afton:
Danelle and I followed the nurses back to the nursery where they explained we could give the baby her first bath. I didn’t know where my husband was, so Danelle and I had a few moments alone with the baby. Lauren had informed us early on she wanted us to pick the name for the baby. We had some names in mind, and were pretty set on “Afton Mikell” for a girl. When I took a long good look at her, I knew she was an Afton so I was glad our first choice matched this perfect little being! She was very alert and had a round little head with a head full of fuzz! Not a lot of hair at first. Right away I noticed how beautiful her eyes were and how much expression they had. I wanted to just look at her all day she was so beautiful!

With how quickly everything happened in the operating room, I wanted to make sure that Lauren’s mom was able to hold Afton before I did. I wouldn’t have felt right to have that privilege, and since it couldn’t be Lauren holding her (for longer than she did anyway), I wanted it to be her birth grandmother. Again I felt like an intruder to witness another solemn and special moment. Danelle rocked and cradled her first grandchild, and looked at her so adoringly. It was a sacrifice for her, too- and I could feel how great her love was in that moment.

My husband found us and Danelle excused herself so we could give Afton her first bath together. I was constantly amazed at how generous and gracious these people were! Here they could have had all these moments to themselves, and they were so willing to share with us. It was such an honor- all of it. After we bathed Afton, I was able to officially hold and rock Afton for the first time. There was a lot of unexplainable emotion running through me. I know I recognized a whole lot of love, mixed with a ton of humility and happiness. But there was even more than that. Watching her take in her new world, feeling her weight in my arms, hearing her breathe- seeing this miracle before me and not understanding how I was worthy enough to get to be a part of it. I guess “gratitude” could be used to explain that feeling – but if feels like such an understatement. I knew she was a gift- not only from God, but from the sweet birthmother who had endured so much to bring her here. I also knew I wouldn’t get to have many (if any more) moments like this in my life and I tried to soak it in.

But my mind immediately began to have a tug-of-war. It didn’t feel right to bask in all those new parent feelings of elation —especially since we weren’t technically the parents yet. I knew in due time our focus could be 100% on Afton, and for now most of our focus and attention needed to be on Lauren. Her wellbeing and feelings were still our top priority. I began to feel apprehensive and self-conscious at the thought of Lauren feeling like we’d abandoned her or that we were monopolizing all the time with Afton. The thought also occurred to me that I didn’t want her to think we didn’t want to spend time with Afton. So there was that balance too- of portraying our excitement – but not too much to where it would be insensitive. All in all, we were really there to support Lauren and her family, and wanted for them to have all the time they needed with Afton without us interfering. So, with the shared mixture of all these feelings, insecurities, and concerns we tried to handle and act upon them with care throughout our stay.

Saying Goodbye:
Over the next couple days, we had the privilege of spending more time with Lauren, her family, and the baby at the hospital. This was a special time, and we all realized that the Caesarean was a blessing in disguise because although it meant for a longer hospital stay for Lauren, we were able to spend more time with one another. We had all become so close – it really felt like being with family. We spent a lot of time at the hospital, and we also gave Lauren and her family some time alone. There were some very casual moments- hanging out, and shooting the breeze, cracking jokes. Then there were a few moments where we could feel the heaviness in the air. I think we were all trying to keep brave faces on for each other’s sakes, but the time to say goodbye was looming.

The idea of saying goodbye was hard for many reasons. We were sad to say goodbye to what seemed like family. Lauren had truly become like a little sister to us. And for that reason, we knew it was going to be very hard to see someone we loved so much have to say her goodbyes. It’s hard to write down because the emotions we felt seem like nothing compared to what a birthmother’s experience is… but it was very tough on us to anticipate it and then finally witness it. I had no idea when we began the process I would grow to love the birthmother so much and have the feelings I had. I am so glad I did, but it was definitely heart-wrenching to say goodbye. I can’t think of a harder thing I have ever done.

When we last met, it was at the LDS Family Services agency. Lauren had already signed her papers at the hospital relinquishing her parental rights and when she arrived you could see she was in a lot of emotional pain (and I am sure physical pain, too). She was being buoyed up by her sweet mother and her loving boyfriend (whom she later married). We visited for a while, took a lot of pictures, and exchanged gifts. One gift we gave Lauren was a teddy bear that matched a teddy bear we had picked out for Afton. I don’t think it is a coincidence that “Mr. Bear” is Afton’s most treasured possession to this day.

I am not even sure how much time went by, but when Laruen felt like she was ready she held and rocked Afton for a final time before passing her over to me. I wish I could remember everything that was said at that time to record it here better, but honestly all I remember was a burning feeling in my chest and the sense that something bigger than just a small child was passed to me. She was passing us all her trust, all her love, and all her hopes for that child. By accepting it, we had a great responsibility to make sure we continually earned and deserved those enormous gifts. Perhaps this is a perfectly normal feeling for parents to have when Heavenly Father blesses them with a child. For us and our experience- we were blessed to have Heavenly Father convey that message a little more personally through a beautiful young woman, an angel here on earth. For that I am very grateful.

Final thoughts
As I mentioned at the beginning of my story, our adoption story was pretty remarkable. In fact, after we said our goodbyes we were left at the agency with Lauren’s case worker. For a minute we all sat in silence and then I asked him if all adoptions were this special. He said, “I’ve seen some pretty amazing adoptions, but it’s very rare for them to be this special.”

For that reason, I consider us to be very lucky adoptive parents. I definitely don’t expect to have another adoption experience go this well or seamlessly again. I have heard of a lot of adoption stories with rocky paths – some that ended happily and some that didn’t. I am very fortunate to say our adoption story wasn’t rocky and that it did end happily. If we ever have the privilege to adopt again, I would only expect to experience the amazing and extreme emotions all over again. They are part of the beauty and the hardship of adoption (I like to think experiencing them was my own rite of passage to parenthood). The other undeniable beauty and hardship of adoption is pure love. I am reminded of it every day when I look into Afton’s beautiful eyes and know she is here because of the loving gift of adoption.

The Birth of our Precious Baby Girl!

I am so sorry for not posting for a while! Life has been hectic these last couple of weeks. Well today I have decided to continue my journey with you. Last post I talked about my first meeting with the adoptive family... today I am going to talk about the delivery of my precious baby girl.

On July 13, 2005 I began to feel something I was not used to. My stomach kept getting tighter and tighter like every 10 minutes. I didn't know what this was but I knew that it was not very comfortable. I was used to being slightly uncomfortable, I had been this way for about 6 months now! My mom and boyfriend (who soon became my husband) had a bowling tournament that day so I pushed the "cramps" aside and went to the tournament. My boyfriend had to work that night, and as usual I was going to make him his lunch and bring it to him at midnight. Well this particular night I was kinda getting the feeling that this would not be happening. The doctor gave me some remades that may stop the what I soon realized was contractions. If nothing worked than I would need to come to the hospital and have a baby. He told me to take a short walk, take a bath, and try to be very relaxed. I took a bath, and still nothing, my contractions were coming about every 5 minutes at this point and getting more and more aggressive. I tried to relax and take a little nap, but waking up every 5 minutes to breath in pain was not helping the relaxing. Finally, I took a walk with my sister and my mom. This was about 10:00pm. As I was turning the last corner to go back to my house to get my stuff to go to the hospital, because clearly these things were not going away! I suddenly felt a pop in my lower abdomen and, my socks were all wet. "Uhhh... Mommy.... whats this???" My mom began to panic a little because the hospital that I was to deliver at was a 45 min. drive. We went home as fast as we could, you know with a 200 pound mass it takes some time!! But all I could think about was getting my boyfriend his lunch. So I had to make him his Mac N Cheese before I went to have a baby, and we had to stop at his work on the way out of town! The things women do for love! i told him that I was going to have a baby and he began to panic. Not much he could do until he got off of work, so I told him to meet us down there when he got off. We started to head out of town. Not only was I contracting like crazy but I felt like I had to pee every 5 minutes too! So we had to stop at every rest stop and off ramp we came to so I could relieve myself. With it being so late I had a hard time getting a hold of my case worker. I needed him to know so he could tell the adoptive parents! I may have only had a 45 min drive but they had a 4 hour drive. I finally got a hold of him and he immediately reached the parents and they raced down as fast as they could. As I got to the hospital when the nurse checked me she told me it would take a while still because I am contracting but I am only like 40% effaced and I was only dilated to a 2. Little did I know that a little while was going to be 12 hours! I had finally gotten my epidural when I had my first contraction that brought me to tears. What a wonderful medicine! I was numb from my chest down! I took a couple naps and just relaxed. When Jared, my case worker got there he informed me that there was a new law that just passed about a week prior that the parent may be in the room with me when the baby was born if i wanted them too! I was thrilled ! I wanted them to be there every step of the way. When they finally arrived I was more at ease than ever before. The parents of this sweet baby get to be apart of her birth.

Well, I was finally at a 10 dilation and I was 100% effaced. Time to start pushing! Hour 1 still no baby.... hour 2 nothing..... hour 3 still pushing!..... Finally at hour 4 of pushing the baby made a little mess... aka Poop . Which means 2 things.... 1 she is officially DONE and we had no worries about her being premature.... even though she was 2 weeks early, and number 2 she needs to come out NOW. There is Maconan in the poop that can poison the baby if it gets into her lungs. So at this point we had no other option. we were preparing for a C-Section. At this point I didn't care how they got her out as long as it was now!! I was done with this whole miracle of life thing! My mom about gave herself an ulcer thinking about it, so I had to calm her down. The doctor told me that I could have 2 people in the operation room with me. Both my boyfriend and Travis, the baby's adoptive father, stepped back! So I chose Jessica, the baby's adoptive mother, and my mom. When we got in to the room it seemed like everything went to quickly, the baby was out in a matter of minutes and everything was over that fast too! they let me touch her and kiss her and then they too the baby out and Jessica followed close behind. I did not seem to be bothered by that at all, then they told my mom that she had to leave while they sewed me back up and as she turned around and walked away.... I lost it! I could not stand the fact that my mommy could not stay. I freaked out so bad that the doctor told me that I had to stop crying because I was moving so much and he couldn't sew me up! They ended up having to give me something to make me go to sleep so they could finish! I ended up having Aftom Mikel on July 14, 2005 at 6:24pm.

The C-Section was really a blessing. I had 2 extra days with Afton and more importantly with her parents. This was a real bonding time for all of us. It was a wonderful experience and it really made me think that everything DOES happen for a reason!

My first meeting with the Adoptive Parents

When I finally found the family the next step was to tell them that I chose them to be the parents for my child. I wanted to be creative so I went to the Hospital and found a cute little stork stuffed animal and wrote them a letter saying... "You have been chosen to be the parents of...... Name will have to be chosen later! Please visit your case worker to collect your prize." The next day I got a letter from both of them saying the feelings that had overcome them. That reassured all of the decisions that I had made up until that point. We continued to write letters to each other through our case workers and about a month after I choose them it was time to meet. This was a very confusing time for all of us. I was very nervous to meet them, I had so many emotions running through my body. Are they going to like me? Am I going to like them? What are we going to talk about? The day before the meeting Jared, My case worker, told me that it would be a good idea to write down the questions that I had for them and the things that I wanted to talk to them about. He informed me that the next day would be very hectic and so many emotions will overcome me that it would be a good idea to write some things down so I can get all of the information that I needed to know from then. Well, sure enough he was right. The second I stepped foot into the Agency I lost all train of thought that I had. I was a nervous wreck. Once Travis and Jessica walked into the room, somehow all if my insecurities disappeared. They had such a loving spirit about them. I just knew that I made no mistake about who I chose. We ended up talking for about 3 hours. I asked them what they thought about when they found out about having a baby, how they wanted the rest of our pregnancy to go, and how often they would like me to write me. The funniest part of the whole conversation was that their feelings when they came in were the exact same as mine. They were so afraid that I was not going to like them and they told me that they already loved me so much that it would hurt so bad to think that I may not love them back. The whole experience was like a fairy tale. I just knew that I wanted this couple to be the parents of my baby.

"The Gift of Adoption"

I reached out to my friends and family. I asked them to give me some ideas that would help me with some more information for the young people going through this rough time. I got a very good response from my cousin Darcee and this is what she offered me:

“The Gift of Adoption,” Ensign, Feb 2009, 36–44
Many families know what joy adoption can bring into a family welcoming a new son or daughter. But what about those on the other side of adoption—the giving side? Here, four people involved with the gift of adoption (none of them connected) share their stories.
For more information about adoption, including resources for expectant and adoptive parents, please visit www.itsaboutlove.org, or call the LDS Family Services hotline at 800-537-2229.
Photo illustrations by Robert Casey; posed by models
Birth Mother
Name Withheld
“Birth Mother,” Ensign, Feb. 2009, 37–38
When I was 16, I spent a lot of time seeking the attention and affection of boys, and of one in particular. By my 17th birthday, I was pregnant.
I had been raised by righteous parents who were steadfast in the gospel. They taught my siblings and me to make correct choices, but I wanted to try something new and different. I consciously made several decisions I knew weren’t right because I wanted to do things my own way.
When my parents learned that I was pregnant, they were shocked and disappointed by my behavior and brokenhearted at the result. I was scared and confused, but I wasn’t as worried as my parents seemed to be. After all, I loved babies and had always wanted children. I decided I would just marry my boyfriend and have a little family.
My parents wanted me to talk to counselors at LDS Family Services. I didn’t want to go—I was certain that they would just tell me to place my baby for adoption, which was the last thing I wanted to do. But my parents insisted I attend a counseling session, and there was no room for argument.
When I first met my caseworker, Sherri, I laid out my plan to her. I told her up front that I wouldn’t give up my baby and that she couldn’t make me. She won my affection quickly when she said she just wanted to talk to me and help me make a good life for my baby and myself. Sherri offered education about teen parenting and more. I learned I could trust her.
I started attending weekly classes with other girls in my situation and their parents. We met to talk about our fears, expectations, and hopes. Some of the girls were going to raise their babies, some were placing them for adoption, and some were still undecided.
Part of the class was spent with our parents present, but part of the session included just us girls. We needed each other more than we realized. Those times of confiding in each other were invaluable—even our best friends didn’t know what it was like to be unmarried and pregnant. These group meetings helped me to not feel so alone.
I continued to meet privately with Sherri, as did my boyfriend. She encouraged both of us to pray about all of our options. Had she asked me to do this earlier, I might have refused, but by this point, I had learned that I could trust her. I was also realizing how inadequately prepared I was for parenthood. My boyfriend and I agreed to pray about what to do.
At that point, my life changed. I received such a direct answer to my prayer that there was no doubt in my mind about what we were supposed to do. When I talked with my boyfriend, I found out that his heart had also been touched. We knew that this baby was supposed to go to another family. That confirmation helped us stick to our decision when we felt caught between seemingly endless advice from family and friends and our own feelings and desires.
To say that I cried would be to put it mildly. My heart was full and broken at the same time. How could I feel such peace in a decision that brought so much pain? I later realized that I had brought much heartache and pain into my life and the lives of those intertwined with mine because I had let selfish desires override my long-term goals. But here, I had been given an opportunity to put aside what I wanted most—to keep this child—and to give her something better.
My boyfriend and I shared with our parents our decision about adoption. His parents struggled with the idea of not knowing their flesh and blood and accused us of being heartless. My parents, who had just started to adjust to the idea that they would be grandparents, urged us not to rush into any kind of a decision. In the end, although they felt disappointment at not being able to watch their grandchild grow up, they were supportive.
Giving birth to a beautiful little girl was miraculous. I loved holding her and rocking her. She was so beautiful, and I cried many times her first night on earth. I knew that the next day would bring heartache when it was time to say good-bye.
What made that pain bearable was knowing that placing her for adoption was right. It was the hardest—but most right—thing I have ever done. I signed the papers through sheets of tears and then leaned on family and friends for support. My tears weren’t the only ones shed that day or in the days to come.
I thought and worried about my baby constantly at first. How was she doing? What was she doing? Was she healthy? Was she happy? I wrote many letters that first year, and when I received a letter or photos in return, I carried them with me. My pain was eased in seeing a beautiful, happy baby in the pictures. Reading of the love this family felt for her and for me lifted my heart and was essential in my healing. Over time, I began to realize I wasn’t thinking about her every minute of every day—and that was OK. She had a good life, and I needed to move forward with mine too.
I finished high school and enrolled in college, opportunities I might not have had if I had chosen to raise my baby. I stayed busy with working, attending counseling sessions, going to church, and meeting with Church leaders as I sought repentance. Slowly, I began to feel a real sense of healing and of direction in my life. I met and married a wonderful man, and we were sealed in the temple a year after our wedding. Today, my husband and I are happily raising our children. I am grateful that they have been born in the covenant and that we can be together for eternity. Each of them is a blessing.
Someone once asked me if I would change anything if I could go back. I wanted to respond that I would do better, that I wouldn’t have brought a child into the world outside of marriage. But I was afraid to answer that way because I had tender feelings for a family who had been blessed by the adoption. Years of soul-searching eventually helped me realize that I still would want to go back and do better, to not make the mistake in the first place. Admitting this does not mean that I would take away the delight of this family with their daughter. I am confident that this family would have been blessed another way had I chosen to make righteous decisions initially.
I marvel at a loving Heavenly Father who gave His Son that we might have a way back to Him. I testify that the Atonement is real. I know that through it, our Savior redeems us from our sins and that He also succors us in our pain. I came to more fully appreciate the gifts of both the Father and Son as I felt Their love throughout this experience.
Birth Father
Name Withheld
“Birth Father,” Ensign, Feb. 2009, 39–40
Nobody ever expects to be in the midst of an unplanned, out-of-wedlock pregnancy, but that’s exactly where Andrea (names have been changed) and I found ourselves. I was in my last year of my undergraduate studies, and she was in her first. We had dated for only a short time but had allowed our physical relationship to go too far.
We began counseling with our bishop in seeking repentance and in the process decided it was best that we not see each other anymore, so we broke up. Several weeks later, Andrea came to my home and told me that she was pregnant.
Coupled with fear were feelings of denial, disbelief, confusion, and loneliness. I can’t imagine what she must have felt. Andrea had a difficult burden to bear, physically and emotionally, and I felt a sense of responsibility and loyalty to her. I also felt that responsibility—perhaps even more so—to the baby. I wanted to make sure that everything turned out all right for his or her future.
Neither of us knew where to start, so we decided to go back to our bishop. He recommended that we make an appointment at LDS Family Services, which, he explained, was a lot more than an adoption agency. He told us that we would be able to get counseling and to explore all of our options as parents. That turned out to be the best advice he could have given us.
Andrea and I were nervous that first visit, but our caseworker put us at ease immediately. Over the next several weeks, she was helpful and supportive as we looked into several options. Andrea and I considered marriage and keeping our baby. We considered not getting married and sharing custody of the baby. And we considered adoption, although it certainly wasn’t our first choice.
In addition to meeting with our caseworker, we also met in group sessions, where we could talk with other people in our situation. Our families were supportive too. Andrea and I counseled with both sets of parents, and they offered suggestions about what we ought to do. In the end, though, Andrea and I felt that this was a decision we needed to make ourselves. We were grateful that our families respected that and weren’t overly pushy.
We prayed about the decision over the course of several weeks. For me as the father, and perhaps even a little bit for Andrea as the mother, the pregnancy was still somewhat abstract. We knew that there was life growing inside her, but somehow, it didn’t quite seem real. That changed when we went for the first ultrasound. As we saw the baby (and later learned that the baby was a girl) this child’s life became more of an actuality for us. We started talking about names. And we realized we loved this baby very, very much.
The more real to us the baby became, the less our decision was about us and the more it was about our daughter. Andrea and I both acknowledged that many adoptive parents could provide our daughter with things that we couldn’t: a stable marriage, a permanent home, and a temple sealing. We wanted these things for our child, and before long, through LDS Family Services, we found a family we thought might be a good fit.
We felt strongly that our child was to go to these parents, a decision we felt confirmed in prayer and again later when Andrea and I met the family.
The day Jenna was born was more incredible and miraculous than we could ever have imagined. We kept her with us the first few days, and when the day came to take Jenna to her new family, we felt we couldn’t do it. Three hours after we were supposed to have been at the LDS Family Services office, we still hadn’t left my parents’ house. I asked my father to give each of us a priesthood blessing. Among the things he blessed us with was the ability to do the right thing.
We finally left for LDS Family Services. Again, we felt a strong Spirit confirming that this was the right thing, yet when Andrea and I stepped out of the office to return home, I felt the saddest I have ever felt. Neither of us said a word as we drove away. We just cried. That was the most difficult day of my life.
The next week—and the next month—were also hard. But Andrea and I kept moving forward as much as we could. Attending group sessions was helpful because parents who had been through what we were going through were there to talk about their experience, to encourage us, and to remind us not to give up hope in the future—for Jenna or for ourselves.
One of the other great blessings for us during this time was the adoptive family. They maintained close contact with us in the first weeks after the placement, allowing us to see Jenna often and sending letters and pictures. It was therapeutic for Andrea and me to see how well they took care of Jenna, how happy she was, and what a great life she had. As time went by, our hard days became less frequent.
Andrea soon transferred to a university across the country. I stayed and finished my last year of school. We kept in touch. Eventually Andrea married, and it relieved me to see that she was going to be OK. It was at that point that I finally felt that things were resolved and that I was now capable of moving forward in my own life. That realization—and the passage of time—were both tremendously healing.
I later met Julie, the woman who would become my wife. When I saw long-term potential with our relationship, I told her about Andrea and Jenna. She has been very supportive and has even met Jenna and her family a couple of times. Her understanding has been a tremendous blessing to me.
Julie and I later married, and today we have a one-year-old daughter. Despite the busyness of our lives, we decided early on to make family a priority. We are blessed to be able to spend time with our daughter and with each other. It is exciting to watch our child grow and develop and change. I am grateful and glad to be her father.
I am also grateful for the hope that the gospel provided throughout my experience. My testimony of a loving Heavenly Father increased. It is miraculous to me that He could take a mistake that Andrea and I had made and turn it into something positive for another family. It is equally miraculous to have been given a new start.
Grandparent
Name Withheld
“Grandparent,” Ensign, Feb. 2009, 41–42
Ours was a fairly average Latter-day Saint family. We had family home evening, family prayer, family scripture study. We went to church together, took vacations together, had fun together. Of course we weren’t perfect, but overall we loved each other and centered our lives on the gospel.
So when our oldest daughter, Katie (names have been changed), then 19 years old and not married, told my wife and me that she was pregnant, it broke our hearts. I blamed myself, wondering where I had gone wrong as a father. Katie had been so stalwart during her early teenage years, but as she got a bit older, she began to give way to negative peer pressure.
Of course, it was natural for my wife and me as grandparents to want to watch this grandchild grow up. But we knew that neither we as grandparents nor Katie as a single mother could give this child the love, time, and direction that he needed. This was not about us or our feelings. It was about what was best for the baby.
Although Katie hoped that her relationship with her boyfriend would work out and lead to marriage, it became evident that it wasn’t going to happen. My wife and I suggested adoption, but Katie refused to even consider it. She had always loved children and wanted to raise this one. She insisted on keeping her child.
We encouraged her to at least talk to the representative from LDS Family Services. We pointed out that she did not have to make a decision right away and that she could probably make a better decision if she were educated about all her options. We also told her that whatever she decided, we would support her. Katie later told us that our assurance and support—without pressure—gave her great comfort as she made important choices.
Our daughter remained uninterested in adoption for several weeks, so when one day she suddenly admitted that it wouldn’t hurt “just to talk” to the caseworker, we were quite surprised. We later learned that my sister, Katie’s aunt, had also encouraged her to consider adoption. It was her influence that made the difference.
It took just one visit to LDS Family Services. Katie told us that when she walked into the office, a warm feeling came over her. She said she felt a sense of love for her son and of adoption being the right choice for her and her baby.
As she reviewed profiles of potential parents, Katie felt the Spirit confirm to her which couple should be the parents of her child. As the adoption process moved forward, the time came for Katie, my wife, and me to meet the adoptive parents. I remember the anxiety, anticipation, and excitement we felt as we waited. When they entered the room, all of us stood with tears in our eyes. We hugged them and cried for a long time. The Spirit was strong, and we all felt a heightened awareness of the importance of what would take place between our families. We talked for more than three hours.
The husband shared with us that he and his wife had been waiting for some time for the opportunity to adopt. He told us that one night as he was praying and acknowledging to the Lord that he and his wife had done everything they could and were turning their wills over to Him, he had a calm, peaceful feeling. As we shared our own story, we all realized that the day this man had said that prayer was the same day Katie had chosen him and his wife to be the parents of her child.
The day our grandson was born was a bittersweet one. What a beautiful baby! It would have been easy to change our minds—after all, children are raised by single mothers and grandparents all of the time. Surely we could do it too. But we knew the Lord’s will, and we knew that it was in this child’s best interest for the adoption to proceed. After spending two days with our daughter and grandson in the hospital, my wife and I watched with tears streaming down our faces as Katie handed her son to the caseworker. She exclaimed, “I can’t believe I just did that!” and ran back to her hospital room to cry. My wife later commented that she had never seen greater love than she did as she watched Katie that day. Adoption, she said, truly is about love.
Shortly after the baby was born, Katie enrolled in nursing school. She also came back to Church activity with a renewed and deepened testimony of the Savior and of His Atonement.
Although Katie didn’t realize it at the time, this experience was also difficult for my wife and me. (We still get emotional talking about it.) We think of this child often and love him very much. But by relying on each other and moving forward, we have been able to find peace. We are confident that the Lord had a hand in this adoption.
We know of grandparents who are angry about their grandchild being placed for adoption or who go to great lengths to stop an adoption because they want to know their grandchildren and watch them grow up. We understand those feelings. But we also attest to the peace that comes from doing what is best for the baby.
This period became one of the most sacred and spiritual of our lives. Even now, more than a decade later, we continue to learn from our experience. Our love and appreciation for each other and for the family unit has grown. We can also testify of the love of our Heavenly Father. We know that He will guide us in our earthly experience, however difficult, as we willingly follow Him in trust and faith.
Child
By Stacie Lloyd Duce
Stacie Lloyd Duce, “Child,” Ensign, Feb. 2009, 43–44
One of my earliest memories is looking up at my mother after she had tucked me in and asking her if she would tell me a different bedtime story. After all, she had been telling me the same story every night for as long I could remember.
It always started with these words: “Once upon a time, there was a mommy and daddy who wanted very much to have a baby of their own.” It wasn’t a fable or a fairy tale but the story of our family and how I came to be a part of it. Because I had heard the story repeated so often, adoption was never a mysterious or uncomfortable topic. I learned from the beginning that I was meant to be with my family—I had just come a different way.
The bedtime story included details of my parents’ life as newlyweds. Doctors had advised them that adoption would be the only way they would have a family. The tale also included their progress through adoption paperwork and interviews and a surprise phone call that came much earlier than they expected. The woman on the line told Mom, “We have a baby girl waiting for you to take home for Christmas.”
At that point, the story always got exciting and included the pandemonium of Dad leaving work and racing to the store to buy diapers, pink clothes, and a 1970s movie camera that would blind our family with its bright light for years to come.
Mom’s story always ended—never without a few tears—with the day she and Dad arrived at the adoption office. A woman brought the “most beautiful baby” they had ever seen, and my parents knew immediately that they would love me forever. All of their once-distant dreams were coming true.
I slept soundly through that first night in my new home. Mom told me she kept checking on me and kissing me throughout the night, just as she continued to do as I grew. Because of this story, I never doubted my beauty inside or out, and I never doubted my parents’ love for me.
Our family moved from that home before my first birthday. Then, some 35 years later, I had the chance to return to that city with my parents. They drove me to the hospital where I was born, to the church on the hill where I was blessed, and to the little brick apartment building where they brought me home to be a part of their family. The details of my bedtime story swirled around me during this visit with all-new realism.
I watched my parents kiss on the sidewalk outside that apartment—just as they had done as newlyweds—with a different kind of appreciation. I imagined them bringing me home with humility and gratitude and a strengthened resolve to be an eternal family. Suddenly their emotion wasn’t something to roll my eyes at, as I had sometimes done growing up. It was something to be cherished and emulated.
My appreciation for lessons taught at bedtime increased as I realized they made the plan of salvation a part of my everyday thoughts. I knew I lived in heaven before I was born. I knew Heavenly Father gave agency to all. I knew redemption was possible for the people whose choices not only affected them but created a child as well. I knew Heavenly Father had a plan for me, and that His plan mercifully provides second chances for everyone involved in an adoption. I feel gratitude to the woman who carried me and made a decision that may have been unpopular with some. I imagine my birth mother as a pillar of strength, and I pray she has been blessed for her sacrifice and hope for the future for all of us.
The story of miracles for our family continued when Mom discovered that she was pregnant with my brother, who came to be my best friend. More siblings arrived, defying the logic of doctors and specialists.
My parents are all I—or birth parents—could have hoped for. They provided the necessities of life as well as family fun. They taught me to work, to learn, and to discover my talents. They taught the gospel through their words and example. I learned to overcome disappointments and obstacles, just as they have done. And most important, they gave me a glimpse of how Heavenly Father loves me as His daughter.
My bedtime story has a happy ending that isn’t really an ending. New chapters have given our extended family more opportunities for adoption and an appreciation of God’s guiding hand during this short tale of mortality.

How I chose the family

One of the scariest things for me was putting my child in the care of another family and never getting to hear from her again. I can safely say that for me this was not the case. When I had finally made the decision to place my child up for adoption I was 8 weeks along. I think that was better in this situation. There are some women that can not bring themselves to make that decision as quickly as I did. However, in my situation I am very happy that I did. I was able to separate myself from the baby. I tried not to get too attached to the baby although, carrying her in my belly for nine months was not the easiest thing to do.

When I had decided to meet with an adoption agent he was very respectful of my feelings. Never once did I feel pressured into making this decision. Fortunately most of the adoption organizations are non-profit organizations. Which means it doesn't matter if you do or do not place with them... getting paid is not what they are all about. I was able to bring my mother and my grandmother with me, they took me into this room. It had a couch and a few chairs, it almost looked like a living room which made me feel a little more comfortable. Jared, My worker took me through the entire thing. From right then to the birth of the baby. With this starting out as a Closed-Adoption I was able to meet the parents once before I chose them and then once again before the baby was born. then Jared asked me my criteria, like how many other children, race, and so on. Once I told him what i was looking for in the parents he gave me about ten profiles to match what I wanted. I was not too picky, there were only two things I wanted and that was for the mother to look kind of like me and for there to be no other children. I wanted to help a family who could not have children of their own. I looked through the profiles and I actually found a family that I really liked. I told Jared and he informed me that that couple had a "Hard Hold" on them. Which means that someone else had already picked them and they were just waiting for the baby to be born. I was quite upset but I continued to look. Jared would give me ten profiles at a time and I probably went through about 50 different profiles. in the second to last batch of profiles my mom found one that she fell in love with. I was OK with them but I was so sick of looking through all of the profiles. I told Jared and he informed me that this couple had a "Soft Hold" on them. Which meant that there was a birth mother that needed to choose between them and one other couple. I didn't want to compete with another birth mother so I said no. I was really getting discouraged at this point but I was determined to go through the last batch of profiles.

I told myself that if I could not find a couple in this batch I will have to come up with a plan "B". My Mom and I were sitting on the couch going through the last profile and I immediately closed it. My mom asked me why I didn't want to look at that one and I told her that the name of the man was the same name of the birth father, and as you can see, I am not too found of him. she said that I should just read the letter and if I don't like them fine, but if I did then we can make that name mean something good not bad. Just as I was about to turn the page with all of the pictures of them over my 4-year-old brother came up to me and said "look its Lala!!" and pointed to the woman in the picture. I was stunned. I read the letter and it was like they were talking to me! I went to Jared and he said that they were all mine!! I knew this was the right choice.!!!

Types of Adoption

Hello again, well today I want to talk a little about the different types of adoption. There are many ways you can go such as, Open adoption, Closed adoption, Semi-open adoption, Trans racial adoption, Older/special needs adoption, Single parent/ same sex adoption, and Step parent/ family adoption. I am going to talk about the most common types of adoption today which is Open, Closed, and Semi-open adoptions.

The first ones I am going to talk about is Closed adoption. This is the form of adoption where there is no communication between the birth families and the adoptive families. This type of adoption was very popular in the 80's and before when adoption was still quite Taboo in our society. Now days this type of adoption is not as widely used but it is still out there. When going through a Closed adoption there is no contact information given to either party prior to of after the placement of the child. The Wikipedia definition of closed adoption is: the process by where the infant is adopted by a family and the records of the natural parents are kept sealed. There is no interaction of any kind between the birth parents and the adoptive parents.

Why choose this choice? Well, this type of adoption may give the birth mother a sense of closure so she may be able to move on with her life. It also may give both parties a sense of privacy, as some people in our society may still think of the process of adoption taboo or inappropriate, this may help to stay confidential. It also may give the adoptive family a sense of freedom. It gives them a chance to do with the child what they please without the birth family involved. You also have to think about the child's well being. This may give the child a sense of stability. The child will not have any doubt who his/her legal parents are without many unanswered questions. This is one of the less used types of adoptions now days but it is very effective in a situation where the birth mother or the adoptive parents want to stay confidential.

The next type of adoption is an Open adoption. This is where both parties may speak prior to the baby being born. The families may have face to face visits, exchange contact information, and agree to periodic visits once the placement of the child is final. This type of adoption is widely used in the placement of a child to family members or friends.

Why this choice? This type of adoption may give the birth mother a sense of control. She is probably feeling pretty helpless and out of control up to this point, so it would be a nice change of pace for her to be able to choose the potential adoptive parents and have something to do with the baby after the birth. This type of adoption may also reduce the risks of uncertainties. The birth parents may check on the child's well being from time to time. The birth parents may also establish a healthy relationship with the child and bond with him/her. The adoptive parents will be fully medically informed. A medical overview is done prior to the placement of the child, but this may give some clarification if it is not in the overview.

The last type of adoption I am going to talk about in this post is the Semi-open adoption. this is the adoption I took place in. A semi-open adoption is when there is interaction that is filtered by a third party. Most likely an adoption agency or an adoption lawyer. Interaction may include letters, cards, pictures, emails, and perhaps a face to face meeting hosted by the third party. This type of adoption emphases the "privacy" rather than the "confidentiality". Direct communication after the baby is born is more limited and is still facilitated by the third party.

Why this choice? The birth parents have the ability to review, interview and select the adoptive parents so that may give them a sense of empowerment and control. This type of adoption may also improve the mourning process by being able to receive updates on the baby's well being and maybe some pictures. The birth mother may be feeling guilty at this point for making what some people may classify as a "selfish" decision, now personally I think this is one of the most selfless choices you will make in your life, but just as there is a debate on abortion there is still a debate on weather adoption is appropriate too. If guilty is what she is feeling this may help her see that the baby is being well taken care of and is leading a life she may never be able to offer.This choice may also define the roles as adoptive or "legal" parents and birth parents. There is no grey area and the adoptive parents may be able to take on the role as parents without the birth parents always around. This may also limit the confusion for the baby.

As I mentioned earlier there are many more types of adoption, and i will go into depth with those in future posts but I hope this clarifies what the differences are and makes your choice a little easier!

See you soon!